


A Life Well Lived

by Mortimer_Dead_Sea



Series: Live a Bit Differently [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Ableism, Ace Erwin, Agender Hange Zoë, Bi Erwin, Canonical Character Death, Child Abandonment, Classism, F/M, Gay Mike, Gender Dysphoria, Headcanon, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mild Sexual Content, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Oil as Lube, Problems With Self-Worth, Support Networks, Swearing, Trans Writer, binding with bandages, so many headcanons, trainees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11789178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mortimer_Dead_Sea/pseuds/Mortimer_Dead_Sea
Summary: “'It’s not that, it’s…' Mike grabbed the brush. 'Just because I couldn’t read or write at all before doesn’t mean I was stupid or useless…'”Mike can't read. Erwin teaches him.(Plus a lot of other stuff.)





	A Life Well Lived

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY THIS BEAST FIC IS FINISHED.
> 
> Some clarifications.
> 
> 1\. I tagged classism and ableism because Mike can't read due to his economic standings as a child, and he gets a lot of "can't you read". Internalized homophobia because the only gay person he ever knew was himself and they don't have words for that. Hanji is in a similar boat.
> 
> 2\. Erwin is ace, but is sex-positive. Again, they lack terminology, but it is implied that he does not feel sexual attraction, but enjoys sex. (Sex is non-graphic). I am not ace, but I went with what my friends have described to me. (Same goes with Hanji being agender.)
> 
> 3\. I live for Erwin, Mike, and Nile supporting each other and you can not tell me that Mike and Hanji weren't like best friends.
> 
> 4\. This extends far beyond just their training. It starts on their first day of training and ends when Mike dies. The part where they're trainees has more of a coherent story since it extends over a shorter period of time. Once they're in the Survey Corps, I touched on some things but not all things.
> 
> 5\. There's a lot of people crying in this story. I am not sorry. O a similar note, the characters might seem a bit OOC because I was writing how I like to imagine their relationship dynamics, especially when they're alone. Again, I am not sorry.
> 
> 6\. At the end of the day, this is just my headcanons for Mike's backstory. Have fun.

He was always told that it was best to live in Wall Sina; there you were pretty much guaranteed an easy life, one free from constant hardships and the subtle but ever present fear of titans breaking through the walls.

He also knew that in the inner walls, you actually went to school, and got a better education. Not only did he live in the outermost wall, but in one of the poorest districts, where you had to rely on your parents for what little education you could get. Unfortunately for him, his parents were barely ever home, so he and his siblings would probably ultimately go without. He had been angry about it at first, furious that an education had been stolen from him by mere circumstances of birth, but the more he thought about it, the more he doubted he would surmount to much, anyway. If his parents taught him anything, it would be how to do the job that they did, and that’s what he would do for the rest of his life, never leaving the district, finding a wife, having kids, pretty much everything his parents did. That was his fate. That was a life well lived.

Until one night, his sister woke up crying in the middle of the night, telling him that she was scared, had a nightmare that titans had burst through the wall and found their house. He decided he had to protect his siblings.

He decided to join the military.

\----

He felt panic bubble in the pit on his stomach when the instructor approached him. He had maintained a cool head throughout his entire life, but without his siblings to watch over, without something giving him the need to keep himself calm, he had to shut his eyes, and try to slow his breathing.

“Now you soldier!” the instructor yelled. “Name, district, purpose!”

He slammed his hand against his heart, eyes snapping open, back straightening. He couldn’t mess this up now.

“Mike Zacharias, Shiganshina District, I want to join the Survey Corps!” he yelled. Well he had gotten through that much.

But suddenly he was doubling over after a swing to his gut, groaning and coughing, spitting up a little even.

“What makes you think you have what it takes to join the Survey Corps?” the instructor asked him, voice harsh. He was bending over so he could get as close to Mike’s face as he could, obviously getting a little enjoyment out of Mike’s pain. “Why would you want to join them and put your useless ass on the line?”

“I want to protect my siblings,” Mike said, and he could see the instructor freeze, everything shifting. “They’re all I’ve ever had.”

There was a silence and then, “Straighten up and face forward, soldier!”

“Yes, Sir!” Mike did as he was told, ignoring the pain in his gut, simply glad that he had gotten through that.

He thought that nobody could top his little spectacle, until the instructor got to another recruit a little ways away. Mike’s eyes widened slightly at the sight of him; he was pretty sure that nobody was actually supposed to look like this, this guy with the neat blonde hair and soft blue eyes, and good lord, he was nice to look at.

Mike shook his head slightly. Nope, nope, not again, he wasn’t doing this again, this wasn’t normal, he had to stop.

But he continued to stare at the soldier, freezing slightly when blue eyes met his for a second before darting over to the instructor.

“Alright soldier, name, district, purpose!”

He saluted, hand slamming against his chest with a vigor Mike had never seen in another human being, never mind in such a basic gesture of the arm.

“Erwin Smith, Stohess District, I want to give everything I have to the Survey Corps!” he said, voice deep, smooth and even. It seemed to come with no difficulties. Mike was impressed and envious.

“Listen up, pretty boy, if you think a Sina kid like you is gonna make it in the Survey Corps, you got another thing coming, now face forward!”

“Yes, Sir!” he faced forward with no problem. When the instructor moved on, he carefully turned his head, and a blue eye landed on Mike again. He felt warmth fill his cheeks, but he couldn’t divert his gaze.

\----

Turns out Erwin was gonna be his bunk mate. Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Do you want inner or outer?” They had had never spoken before and never personally introduced themselves and the first thing Erwin asks him is which bunk he wants. He supposed it was considerate but it wasn’t the first thing on his mind.

Although the first thing on his mind was probably kind of a breach in social norms he decided as he scrunched his nose.

He shrugged. He was never one to talk anyway and right now he was a little afraid to open his mouth or move or do anything really.

“Do you mind taking inner?” Erwin asked, to which Mike just shook his head. He barely ever woke up during the night so he wouldn’t have to get out of bed until call time in the morning.

“Excellent,” the blonde said with a professional-looking smile. He put his hand out. “I’m Erwin Smith.”

Mike raised an eyebrow, but still took his hand. “I already knew that, but anyway, I’m Mike Zacharias.”

Erwin chuckled, a deep, polite sound. Almost artificial. “I figured, but I also figured I should introduce myself formally.”

Mike just nodded, and before he could stop himself, he pulled Erwin forward and took a deep whiff.

Oddly enough, he didn’t smell much. Standard soap, smell of the general woods around them, but nothing too distinctive. Weirdly enough, it made it the scent that stood out the most to Mike.

“Uh…” It was then that Mike realized what he had done and pulled back, releasing the blonde’s hand. He looked shocked, wide-eyed, and kind of confused. Mike would be lying if he didn’t feel a bit of smug satisfaction seeing the seemingly unshakable person be had been introduced to only a minute ago be replaced like that.

It was immediately followed by embarrassment as he realized what he had done.

“Uh…” he echoed back, having no clue what to say. “I-I, uh…”

“Do I smell okay?” Mike was taken aback by the question, and the smug smile that had settled on Erwin’s face. Mike wasn’t sure whether to hug him for being so seemingly comfortable with the whole situation or punch him for mocking him when he was so embarrassed.

Finally Mike just said, “Yes?”

“I’m glad,” Erwin said, and that seemed to be the end of it.

Mike wasn’t sure what to say after that, but then he was suddenly hit with the smell of industrial smoke. He turned and saw another figure plop his stuff onto the bed across from the one he and Erwin were sharing.

The guy turned around and eyed them when he realized the two of them were staring at him. “Uh, hi.”

He had messy black hair and dark gray eyes and he seemed really confused. Mike found himself wishing he could return to Erwin’s seeming scentlessness given how pungent the smell of smoke was. It was unlike anything he had encountered before, and he figured this guy had to have come from a factory district. If that was the case then the scent would dissipate after a few weeks of combat training and military-grade soap.

“Hi,” Erwin spoke first, extending a hand.

The guy raised an eyebrow, but took his hand.

“I’m Erwin Smith,” Erwin introduced himself for the third time.

“Nile Dawk,” the black-haired guy said.

Erwin nodded, and Mike remained silent.

Until Erwin cocked his head at him. “That’s Mike.”

Mike was a bit shocked; he had been a bit off to the side and didn’t expect to be included in any sort of conversation. He hoped his surprise didn’t show on his face.

Nile seemed unfazed and just nodded at him. Mike nodded back.

He carefully treaded over and the three of them were standing in a triangle, talking to each other. Mike wasn’t sure about the Nile or Erwin, but he was unused to this. With his younger siblings to take care of, he had never really spoken to anybody his own age. It was strange, but rather nice once he grew accustomed to the conversation, speaking to them as they went down to the mess hall.

He spoke to them pretty much every day, eating with them and training with them.

He supposed they were his friends.

 

\----

Nile dragged the two to the tavern one weekend. When they asked why, he stammered for a bit but then stated that the other trainees thought it was good and so he wanted to try it. Mike had a hard time believing that was the reason, but he couldn’t think of another one and so he and Erwin both agreed.

The tavern was a short ways from the training ground, which is why it was frequented by the trainees. It was owned by an older man with smile lines and hearty laugh, and his family worked there, too.

Mike learned all this from Nile on their way over. Mike wondered why Nile spoke about it at length, and why he seemed more awkward when mentioning the owner’s family.

But when they walked in, a young black-haired girl around their age dressed in a barmaid’s dress walked right over.

“Hi Nile,” she greeted with a bright, beautiful smile that reached her eyes.

“Hi Marie,” Nile said, stammering slightly with an awkward and shy smile.

Oh…

_OH._

Mike had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud. He glanced at Erwin and it seemed as if he was in the same boat.

Marie led them forward, Nile following behind. Mike and Erwin exchanged an amused glance as they followed as well.

\----

Many days were spent at the tavern, Mike and Erwin always accompanying Nile.

“I need backup!” Nile had argued.

“Why?” Erwin asked.

“In case I make a fool out of myself!”

Erwin had rolled his eyes and said that was unlikely, but he eventually agreed, and so Mike agreed as well. It was almost amusing, seeing the person he thought was so cool headed and relaxed be so open and nervous.

Whenever Mike was asked what he wanted, he always answered with “whatever’s good”. Whenever he looked up at the menu, he’d see words, but nothing that made sense to him.

And so the party of three ate and drank, and slowly but surely, Nile grew the courage to sit up at the bar and talk to Marie alone while Mike and Erwin hung in the back.

“You know.” Mike looked up from his drink to see Erwin looking at him. His eyes were a tad hazy and his pale cheeks flushed red from the alcohol. He had a very small smile on his face, a rare occurrence that tended to only happen when he was drunk. His smiles were usually smug or polite, but when he was drunk, they looked genuine.

“It isn’t often we get to talk alone,” Erwin continued. “It’s usually the three of us.”

That much was true; a lot of their conversations usually involved Nile complaining about training and  Erwin trying to calm him down until they eventually all began complaining. The other half of the conversations usually revolved around Nile accidentally mentioning Marie and Mike and Erwin teasing him a bit. It was those conversations where Mike would say that he had actually made friends.

“Yeah…” was really all Mike could say. They occasionally had conversations alone, but they tended to be short and light. Yet somehow, Mike always felt his face flush.

Mike had spent his whole life with the belief he was supposed to fall in love with a woman, marry her, and have children. However, whenever he found himself looking at someone that made his face flush or his heart skip a beat, it was always a guy. He thought he would outgrow it, or at the very least learn to ignore it, but even at this point in his life he hadn’t shaken it. He had always been afraid to mention it, having never known anyone with a similar problem. Whenever an adult saw him staring at another boy his age, he would hear voices thinking he was strange or just a poor misguided boy without parents to teach him right. He grew up with the idea that this strangeness was due to him not having a healthy relationship to follow as a guide, no parents to see.

And now Erwin made his face flush and heart skip a beat and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. He tried to ignore, tried to make feeling go away, hoped avoiding being alone with him would help.

But with Nile gone, it was just the two of them.

“What do you like?” Mike was taken aback.

“What do you mean?” he asked. He wasn’t prepared for something so casual.

“I mean in your spare time,” Erwin clarified. “What do you do when you’re bored?”

Mike thought about it. He never really found anything he liked.

“I never really had spare time,” Mike said.

Erwin raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

Mike nodded. “Yeah. I spent my time taking care of my younger siblings. I never really had time to myself.”

“What about your parents?” Erwin asked.

Mike contemplated telling him. Given they barely spoke to each other, he thought it was a rather personal thing to lay out, but something about Erwin made him want to share parts of him with him, want to give him a piece of his past burdens so that he would not have to carry them alone.

“My parents abandoned us when we were young,” he explained. “I was the oldest at ten.”

Erwin’s eyes widened. “Oh…”

There was a silence, and Mike was about to apologize for dumping it onto Erwin, but Erwin spoke first.

“I was an only child,” he said. “But my dad died when I was young so it just ended up being me and my mom.”

“Oh…” Mike practically whispered.

Mike felt bad for Erwin, but he found himself feeling like he was given a gift, something he had to keep safe, something that made them more similar than he had previously thought. He doubted Erwin would have told him if he was sober, but that was an issue for the future.

The future came that night when Erwin got plenty of water in him and was about to head to sleep.

“I’m sorry I dumped that on you earlier,” Erwin said. “It was probably a strange thing to do, all things considered.”

“Oh, uh…” Mike got settled while Erwin climbed up to settles in next to him. “You don’t have to apologize. I mean, I did it first.”

Erwin looked at him, question in his eyes. Mike wondered what Erwin was thinking.

“Well, uh… Thank you then,” Erwin said, getting settled under the sheet.

Mike merely nodded and turned to face the wall. Heat filled his cheeks.

“Rest well,” he heard Erwin, which only caused his face to grow hotter.

Mike cleared his throat. “Uh, you too.”

Silence followed, and Mike willed himself to fall asleep.

\----

Mike and Erwin did not speak of the events of that day, but they had grown closer after that. They encouraged Nile to go to the tavern alone so he could thus talk to Marie alone, which he did. Mike and Erwin still accompanied him sometimes, but more and more Nile would go alone. When Nile did as such, Mike and Erwin would talk alone. They spoke more and more about what their lives had been like, sharing their hardships with each other. They had both been through a lot, and Mike felt bad that everyone was so sure that Erwin’s life had been easy within Wall Sina. He voiced this aloud at one point, and Erwin merely shrugged, saying it didn’t really bother him. Mike didn’t really believe it, but he didn’t press the issue.

They decided to accompany Nile to the tavern that night, smiling as they watched Nile seem so at ease with Marie.

Mike could see why Nile liked Marie so much; she was kind, and a charmer, and a very beautiful young girl. When Mike saw her, he saw what he was supposed to want. It was almost unfortunate.

He looked at Erwin, who was also looking at Marie, but with a strange sort of look in his eyes.

“Are you ok?” Mike asked.

Erwin seemed to be shocked back into existence. “Of course, why?”

“You seemed to be spacing out....” Mike said. _At Marie_ , he added in his head.

“Oh…” Erwin took a quick moment to compose himself, something he seemed to have mastered. “Yes, I’m fine.”

Mike bit his lip. “Do you like Marie, too?”

Erwin seemed surprised, but sighed. “Yes, kind of…”

Mike felt his heart twist in a way that he hated.

“But I would never act on it,” Erwin added. “Not when it’s glaringly obvious that Nile is blatantly in love with her.”

Erwin sat back in his seat, looking back over at the two. “And besides…”

He shrugged and lifted his drink. “She’s not the only one I like.”

Mike’s eyebrows shot up. He wanted to ask who it was, but didn’t want to make Erwin tell him anything. And either way.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

\----

When Mike received his latest assignment, he sighed, looking down at the parchment, black ink written in hasty scrawl that he couldn’t read. He endured the instructor’s anger; throughout these first few months, he always messed up his assignments because he could never tell what they were. He was surprised he had made it this long; it was probably only because of how well he did when it came to actually training to take down titans. In that department, he was one of the best in his class. But each day he was forced to stand at attention through many lectures full of “can’t you read”.

He headed back to the barracks, Erwin following close behind. Nile had already run off to get his assignment done, wherever that may be.

“Would you like help with your assignment?” Erwin asked.

Mike raised an eyebrow at him. He knew why Erwin was asking, but he wanted to play it cool.

“Why would I need help?” he asked in turn.

Erwin seemed a bit taken back, obviously sheepish and guilty. He obviously thought he had insulted Mike.

Mike sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” Erwin assured. “I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need anything, I’m here.”

Mike felt kind of bad for feeling so heated, and so he sighed.

“You want to know the truth?” he asked.

Erwin raised a very thick eyebrow. “What truth?”

Mike cocked his head as he walked, motioning for Erwin to follow him. Once they were far away enough from prying ears, Mike finally told him.

“I can’t read,” he admitted, crossing his arms and looking down on the ground. “My parents never taught me or any of my siblings.”

There was a long silence, and Mike was beginning to wonder if he should have ever said anything at all. Lord knows Erwin wasn’t going to understand having this problem.

He was about to tell him to forget it when Erwin spoke.

“Why didn’t you say something?” he asked.

Mike was incredulous, and was becoming more heated.

“What are you talking about?” he practically growled under his breath. “I lived in the poorest district where you were lucky if your parents could teach you how to read or write and I wasn’t that lucky. When it came to people like you, I just got laughed at.”

Erwin’s eyebrows knitted together. He seemed confused, and maybe a little hurt.

“Who are people like me?” he asked, voice soft.

They heard a shout, and that’s when they realized everyone had stopped to stare at them. Everyone branched off to go do their assignments, and Erwin nabbed Mike’s assignment sheet, reading it over.

“Hey-” Before Mike could really protest, Erwin was grabbing his hand and dragging him along.

“Both our assignments are at the stables,” he said. “We can talk there.”

Mike ripped his arm from Erwin’s grasp, ignoring the slight sting it caused, and began walking with him, still a bit heated but slowly calming down.

“What am I doing exactly?” Mike asked, voice still hard.

“Cleaning the stables,” Erwin said, keeping his voice level. “I’m brushing and feeding the horses.”

Mike just nodded and got to work. A tense silence fell between the two of them that persisted, the only sounds being those of horses eating, a brush against a soft, taught coat, and a shovel digging into the muck at their feet. Mike avoided doing the stalls that Erwin stood in. Neither broke the silence, Mike wasn’t sure if it would be right. Mike was waiting for Erwin, maybe Erwin was waiting for him.

Eventually, Erwin did speak.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to upset you like. I shouldn’t expect you to just tell me things.”

Mike sucked in a deep breath. A lot of his fight was gone, which was probably why Erwin waited. It would be best if they had a calm conversation.

“It’s alright,” Mike said. “When I said ‘people like you’ I didn’t mean _you_ I meant… All the people who would come through the village and just look down at us all…”

“I know what you meant, Mike,” Erwin said. He was standing next to him, rubbing Mike’s arm. “It’s alright. I know to some extent, those people are ‘like me’.” He enunciated the point with air quotes. “I may not be as openly hostile about it, but I was no less ignorant. I’m sorry.”

Mike found that all the heat had left him. He smiled. “It’s alright.”

Erwin embraced him, and Mike felt heat creep into his cheeks as he put one arm around his back, holding his shovel with the other. Erwin smiled up at him when they pulled apart, and it looked soft and genuine, and he wasn't even drunk this time. Mike’s stomach hurt a bit when he felt the affection he had towards his comrade grow.

Erwin let him go and then returned to his assignment. Once he was done, he went to help Mike’s with his.

“You don’t have to do that,” Mike told him.

“I know,” Erwin said, lifting up the shovel. “But this way, it’ll get done faster.”

“But don’t you want to go to the mess hall?” Mike asked. “Or the tavern?”

“Not without you,” Erwin said, digging the shovel deep into the gunk at the bottom of one of the untouched stables.

Mike’s face turned red and he whipped back around, heart slamming in his chest.

“Well, thanks…” he said, lifting his shovel up.

He could hear Erwin smiling. “Of course.”

\----

When curfew came and they were all in their beds, packed in for the night, Mike lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. He turned to his bunkmate, whose back was turned to him.

“Hey Erwin,” he whispered. “Are you awake?”

“Hm?” The blonde turned around so he was laying on his other side. “Yeah?”

“Can I ask a favor?” Mike asked.

Erwin was looking at him like he was wondering why this couldn’t wait until morning, eyes slipping shut again. “What is it?”

Mike bit his lip. “Can you teach me how to write my name?”

Erwin’s eyes shot back open. “Yeah, of course.”

He sat up with a yawn and a stretch before he grabbed his parchment pad and pencil, and a small oil lantern. He was able to get the lantern going, keeping the flame low enough that only they would ever be disturbed by it. One of the upsides to the hard mattresses were the fact his lantern would sit flatly on them.

They sat next to each other, Erwin’s pack of parchment situated on his knees.

“So what’s your full name?” Erwin asked.

“Mike Zacharias,” Mike said, pulling his knees up to his chin and looking at the notepad.

“Ok, so you have a couple options,” Erwin began. He wrote down a ‘k’ and a ‘ch’. “Now usually the ‘k’ sound is denoted by a k, but it can also be denoted by a hard c-h. A c-h usually makes a ‘ch’ sound, but not always.”

“This is already complicated,” Mike said.

“Do you want me to explain again?” Erwin asked.

“No, I think I’m ok,” Mike assured him.

Erwin believed him and continued. “Now there’s a ‘k’ sound in your first and last name, so you have a couple of options here.”

He wrote down two options for both his first and last name.

_Mike Zakarias_ and _Miche Zacharias_

“You could probably also switch out the third a in your last name with a u,” Erwin said, adding “Zacharius” to his list.

“You can choose,” Erwin finally said, handing him the pencil. Mike took it with an unsure grasp; he had held a pencil before, always holding one in class to make it look like he was taking notes, but he had never really written before.

“You don’t have to try and write it right now,” Erwin said as if he could read his thoughts. “You can just underline the ones you want.”

Mike nodded and took the pad of paper, looking down at his options. He lifted the pencil and drew shaky lines under the spellings that struck his fancy. Once he was done he showed Erwin.

_Mike Zacharias_

“Alright,” Erwin said. “If you want tomorrow, you can practice writing it. And I can show you other stuff.”

Mike nodded. “Alright.”

“Are you good for now?” Erwin said. The question held no resentment, no tiredness, nothing bitter. Just making sure Mike was doing alright as he stared down at his name, having never really seen it before. Heck, when he signed up for the military, he was just supposed to state his name and they wrote it down. Who knows what they had actually written before sending him on his way.

“Can…” Mike handed him back the pad and pencil. “Can I see your name?”

Erwin seemed a bit surprised, but he nodded. He took the pad and pencil and quickly wrote out his name, writing with much more ease than he had when he was trying to think out Mike’s name.

_Erwin Smith_

Mike stared at it for a while. He knew what Erwin’s name sounded like out loud, and he could see it on paper, and he was trying to put two and two together.

“I can also explain that tomorrow if you’d like,” Erwin offered. “My name has a lot of weird bits to it.”

Mike nodded, and Erwin began to shuffle back to his side of the bunk, putting out the lantern and putting everything back into their respective places. He laid back down and shut his eyes.

“Hey, Erwin?”

“Hm?” Erwin raised an eyebrow, but didn’t open his eyes.

“Thank you,” Mike whispered. He could see Erwin smiling in the dark.

“Of course,” Erwin said.

Mike smiled, and finally closed his eyes to go to sleep.

\----

From then on, Erwin showed Mike how to read and how to write. He lightly outlined letters for him to trace over so he could get the hang of that, taught him the sounds they made at their most basic forms, and then showed him weird combinations, like the ones that showed up in their own names. As time passed, Mike got better at it, his handwriting growing less shaky, being able to write letters without needing to trace over them, being able to write his own name, and almost being able to read his assignments with minimal help.

They were getting more assignments today, and the instructor eyed Mike before giving him his. He couldn’t deny that Mike had been doing a lot better and so handed him the piece of parchment wordlessly. Mike tried not to grin too much.

He looked down at his piece of paper, reading over the words carefully. He knew the words stables and he knew the word brush, so he figured it was his turn to brush the horses. He went to ask Erwin when he heard Nile next to him.

“Why are you staring so hard at it?” he asked.

That much was true. Mike had a habit of squinting really hard when he was trying to figure out a word he didn’t know. He didn’t want to voice that aloud however, not to Nile.

“What do you mean?” Mike asked.

“Well, can’t you-” Before Nile could finish, Erwin was beside both of them.

“So what do you both have today?” he asked, good at pretending to make polite conversation with his friends.

“Dish washing,” Nile said.

“Stables,” Mike said.

“Lovely.” Erwin took a look at Mike’s paper. “Oh, brushing horses. Pretty harmless.

“You’re both lucky,” Erwin said. “It’s my turn to clean up after the horses.”

“At least you have company,” Nile said.

“Granted,” Erwin said before breaking away from the triad. Mike followed while Nile went in the opposite direction to the mess hall.

“Thank you,” Mike said. “That was smooth.”

Erwin smiled. “It was nothing.”

Mike begged to differ, but he said nothing, mind drifting to what Nile was going to say. The question “can’t you read” would forever be burned into his brain.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asked. Mike turned to him, seeing the concern written so plainly on his features. Around other people, Erwin knew how to keep his emotions on lock, but he let them show when he was with Mike. It made Mike’s heart swell, which he hated.

“Yeah, it’s just…” he trailed off, but Erwin knew what he was going to say.

“You’ve been doing a lot better,” Erwin said. “You even knew what your assignment was without me needing to tell you.”

“It’s not that, it’s…” Mike grabbed the brush. “Just because I couldn’t read or write at all before doesn’t mean I was stupid or useless…”

He began brushing one of the horses, who shook its head.

Suddenly, he felt arms around, Erwin embracing him fully. He set the brush down on the edge of the stable wall before he pulled Erwin closer to him, arms tight.

“I know Mike,” Erwin said. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known.”

Mike shook slightly. “Must have not met a lot of people then.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Erwin said. “That doesn’t change a thing. You’re my best friend and I care about you.”

Mike broke slightly, trying to hold onto himself so he didn’t start sobbing into his friend’s shoulder.

“You can if you want,” Erwin told him, voice soft. “I don’t mind.”

And he did. Years of being looked down on, remarks about his abilities, his intelligence, his worth, all scathing and mean, a constant in his life that he was pretty sure would follow him, followed by his upbringing and the way the universe had aligned for him, all of those years came back in a rush and he cried into Erwin’s shoulder. Recalling his siblings and what he had done for them, tired each day as he made sure they were safe, for five years starting when he was only age ten, only to his siblings was he seen as being of any sort of value. To everyone else, he had just been some poor kid who would probably end up dead before he turned 18, to the visiting citizens of Wall Sina he was some dirty child who was probably diseased and would try and pick-pocket them, and to the military police members, he was a just a lost kid with no parents to help him find.

He crushed Erwin closer to him, body shaking as he sobbed harder. This was the first time in a long while that he felt like he was worth something. He felt grateful and lucky to have Erwin in his life now, two feelings towards his comrade that he didn’t find himself hating.

“Thank you,” he said, voice shaky and choked.

“Of course,” Erwin said, holding on tighter.

\----

After their first year of training, Mike had been doing much better with learning to read and write, and he no longer needed Erwin’s help with reading his assignment, having read them all before enough times to know each one.

To celebrate the end of their first year, Erwin, Mike, and Nile all had gone down to the tavern. Nile had said a while ago that he was joining the Survey Corps, much like Mike and Erwin had both decided to since the day they had left to join, and they all drank to that.

Nile had gone to speak to Marie, leaving Erwin and Mike be. Mike was trying to pronounce the names of the different food and drinks, and Erwin was impressed with how he was doing.

Mike opened his mouth to say another one, but then Erwin nudged him and gestured to the front. Nile and Marie were talking and then suddenly Marie cheered and threw her arms around Nile, giving him a quick but excited kiss. Nile looked shell-shocked, but then grinned, Marie giggling at the look on his face.

Mike and Erwin both looked each other, and they couldn’t help but laugh. It was about time.

Once Marie’s shift was over, Nile used the late curfew to his advantage, and went to walk her home, leaving Erwin and Mike alone. They relaxed on their bunk, deciding to skip any writing for today and just relax for a bit. Everyone else was still out.

“So, you’re not upset Marie is with Nile now?’ Mike asked.

Erwin shook his head. “I told you, it was obvious Nile really liked her and she wasn’t the only one that I liked. And besides…”

He looked at Mike intently. “I don’t like her anymore. Not in the way I really like this other person.”

Mike felt the heat creep into his face, feeling the way Erwin was looking at him.

“Who?” Mike asked, voice soft, hesitant, hoping but not expecting.

Erwin leaned forward ever so slightly, just enough to test the waters, but not too far. Mike did not back up, wishing Erwin would lean in further. It’s like they were both waiting for one another.

Mike leaned in a bit, too, their foreheads bumping together.

Erwin smiled. “It’s you.”

Mike almost couldn’t believe it at first; while he often testified his own self-worth and was even starting to believe the things he said, he still had trouble believing he was worth that much.

But Erwin told Mike how much he meant to him; they were best friends, and any romantic anything between them certainly wasn’t going to change that fact.

But even beyond that, Mike recalled how whenever he caught himself staring at a boy, people would regard him as strange. He had gone through his life thinking that this was weird, that something was wrong with, but…

He wasn’t alone.

He tilted his head and kissed Erwin. The kiss was soft, closed mouthed, and he could feel Erwin smiling against him. They pulled away, and Mike smiled, too, before cupping his face and kissing him again. Erwin laid back and pulled Mike on top of him, sharing quick kisses, smiling against each other’s mouths, as they laughed and sighed with relief and a bit of happiness. Eventually, Mike rested their foreheads together, breathless, and grinning.

Erwin smiled up at him. “You certainly have a nice smile.”

Mike’s smile grew, a blush consuming his face. He buried his face in Erwin’s neck, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Hey,” Erwin protested, hitting him in the arm. But he was laughing, and Mike just breathed him in.

The last time he had really gotten a good sense of Erwin’s scent, not much had been there, nothing distinctive. But that was changing now.

He smelled like the tea he liked to have at lunch, like the oil of a lamp, the crisp scent of parchment, the dust of charcoal. He smelled flushed and giddy, arms wrapped around Mike, holding him in place. Mike nuzzled the juncture of Erwin’s neck, and Erwin practically giggled. Mike froze when he heard that soft, happy sound, and then he shifted, running his hands up and down Erwin’s clothed sides. He heard Erwin sigh softly, and then shriek when Mike started tickling his sides.

Mike relished the sound, grinning again. Whenever Erwin laughed, it was always low, polite, simply part of his social graces.

But this one, his real one. It was loud, uncontained, obnoxious.

“No fair!” he yelled, out of breath, gasping, giggling, shoving Mike’s shoulders a bit.

This was Erwin’s real laugh. And god, did Mike _love it_.

He finally released Erwin, sitting back on his thighs, watching Erwin catch his breath. His face was red, his chest heaving slightly. He was still smiling, his blue eyes shining, a couple of stray laughs escaping his mouth. Everything about the way he was smiling up at Mike looked so genuine, and Mike smiled back, knowing it was for him. Erwin was beautiful, and his heart swelled, feeling all the affection he had for him, and he loved it, he _loved it_.

He leaned back down, burying his head back into Erwin’s neck, listening to Erwin's content sigh.

“Can we stay like this for the night?” Mike asked. He felt Erwin shiver slightly, probably from Mike breathing on his neck.

“Sure,” he said, and Mike grinned again.

\----

Mike spent the next couple of days blissed out, even lectures from their superiors didn't get him down. He and Erwin would often give each other fleeting touches, holding hands underneath desks and tables, cuddling together when Mike practiced his reading and writing. Mike smiled, realizing how much easier it was getting for him to learn, knowing how to write letters and all the important grammar rules, learning how to sound out words and being able to work around tricky ones.

One day in class, a note was dropped on his lap.

_I’m sure you can read this?_

Mike smiled, writing out his answer. His handwriting still wasn’t the best, but it lacked the shakiness that it used to have.

_Yes I can._

Erwin smiled at that. From then on, they swapped notes between themselves in class. There were some answers Mike needed longer to work through, but he always worked through it with minimal assistance. It was a good bit of extra help, and Mike often held onto the notes, sometimes reading them and smiling to himself.

When their coveted day off came around, the two of them watched Nile run around frantically.

“What do I do, what do I wear?” Nile asked, tugging on the ends of his shaggy, black hair. “I can’t remember the last time I wore something aside from my uniform.”

Since they rarely ever got days off, Marie had suggested she and Nile go on a proper date. Nile agreed, huge smile on his face, but now he was panicked, unsure of what to do.

“Just put on a random dress shirt and some nice looking pants,” Erwin said. “Trust me, I think Marie will mostly just be happy that you guys actually get to spend some real time together.”

“Really?” Nile asked, looking behind his shoulder at them. They both nodded.

“Well…” He took in a deep breath and exhaled. “Ok.”

He grabbed a clean dress shirt and plain black pants, stripping down to his underwear so he could get them on. He worked quickly, tucking his shirt into his pants.

“Do I look ok?” he asked, looking down at himself.

“You look great,” Erwin said. “Now go. You don’t want to be late.”

Nile nodded, and ran out. Mike and Erwin both watched him go, laughing slightly. They shared a kiss, and suddenly heard footsteps running.

They pulled away, and were met with Nile’s gaze.

“... I forgot my shoes!” he yelled, grabbing his comfortable shoes and running out again.

“Wait, Nile!” Erwin yelled.

“We’ll talk later, you’re both my friends, I want you to be happy, don’t worry about it!” he yelled, voice getting farther and farther away.

They both just stared at the door before deciding it best that they hop back up onto the top bunk to avoid anybody else’s accidental gaze.

“Well, that was one way to tell him,” Mike said. Erwin chuckled softly at that, nestling into Mike’s side. Mike smiled and wrapped an arm around him.

They sat in silence for a little while before Erwin finally said, “Do you think Nile is actually going to join the Survey Corps?”

“What do you mean?” Mike asked.

“I mean, I have a feeling that if things work out with him and Marie, and don’t get me wrong I hope they do,” Erwin quickly added. “I just feel like he may choose a different path than the one he told us he wanted so he can stay with her.”

Mike thought about it. Erwin definitely had a point…

“Well, I guess that’s his decision,” he said.

Erwin nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

The two of them sat in silence for a bit, until Mike finally broke it.

“You know, you know why I joined the Survey Corps,” Mike said. He remembered announcing it on their first day of training. He wouldn't surprised if that whole spectacle was burned into everyone’s memories. “What about you?”

Erwin was silent for a while, seeming as if he were asking himself whether or not he wanted to answer.

“You don’t have to tell me, you know,” Mike said.

“No, I…” Erwin cleared his throat. “I’ll tell you.

“When I was a kid, my father was my school teacher,” he explained. “In the middle of class one day, I asked him how humanity knew that there were no people left outside of the walls.

“When class was dismissed, he pulled out books telling me that the government was covering things up, and for all we know there are humans outside the wall.” Erwin looked down at the bed, eyes downcast. “I want to prove his theories right.”

Mike nodded. “That makes sense.”

Erwin gave him a strange look.

“The theory, I mean,” Mike said. “That there could be people outside the walls.”

Erwin nodded, seeming a bit relieved. “Thanks. I was afraid you’d think I was crazy.”

“Nah,” Mike said, smiling and pulling Erwin even closer.

Erwin smiled up at him and a silence followed. Mike’s smile slowly faded as a piece of information Erwin had shared with him a nearly a year ago came back to him.

“Didn’t you say your dad died?” he asked. “What happened?”

Erwin’s smile immediately left him, sitting up slightly and out of Mike’s grasp.

“Uh…” he stammered. It was almost surreal, seeing Erwin at a loss for words.

“Again, you don’t have to tell me,” Mike assured him.

“I want you to know,” Erwin said. “I know what things have been like for you, and I trust you, and want you to know these things about me, too.”

Mike was taken aback, feeling almost honored that Erwin trusted him so much.

“It’s just that…” Erwin ducked his head again, body beginning to shake. “I… I think it was my fault…”

Mike’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“He told me not to tell anybody about his theories,” Erwin explained. “But I told my classmates and it spread, and Military Police came, asking where he was and I told them, and the next thing I know, I was at his funeral…”

His words were rushed out, choked, scared almost.

“I think I killed him…” Erwin said. Mike could hear his tears, so he pulled him close, feeling Erwin’s body start to rack with sobs.

“Shhh, it’s alright,” Mike said.

“How is this alright?” Erwin asked, gripping Mike’s arms, face buried in his neck. “I _killed_ my dad.”

“You did not kill your dad, someone who didn’t want people to know the truth killed him,” Mike said, voice soft, but unyielding. He pulled Erwin out of his shoulder so he could cupped his face, wiping his tears with the pads of his thumbs. “And you’re doing something about it. You’re making sure that people know the truth, and that’s good. You’re a good person, you’re a great person.”

Erwin didn’t believe him, Mike could tell. But he looked like he _wanted to_ believe him, and Mike knew firsthand that that was a good place to start. He pulled Erwin back into him and let him cry as long as he needed to.

\----

A few months in, and their second year of training was treating them well. They didn’t see Nile as much since he was spending more and more time with Marie. But they still saw him and they were happy for him nonetheless. Plus, it meant they also got alone time.

Nile had been fine with the two of them dating, reiterating the sentiments he had shouted as he ran to see Marie. They were his friends, and he cared about them. He wanted them to be happy. They were both grateful.

Erwin ended up coming down with something, and protested Mike kissing him.

“I don’t want you catching what I have,” he said, voice congested. He certainly looked a little sick, paler than normal, with heavy bags under his eyes.

Mike just smiled and kissed him anyway.

And even with both of them sick in the infirmary, Mike thought it was worth it.

The only downside was, the two of them had really sore throats and it hurt to talk. But then a crumpled piece of paper and a charcoal pencil hit him and he looked over at Erwin, who had his parchment pad, a pencil of his own, and a smile. Mike smiled as well and opened the piece of paper.

_I come prepared._

Mike scratched out a response and threw it back.

_I’m glad._

For about a week of recovery, this was how they spoke, making sure to only do it when nobody else was around.

Then one day in the early morning, Mike bit his lip looking down at the crumpled piece of parchment he had in his hand. He finally scratched something down, crumpled it back up, and threw it at Erwin’s sleeping figure.

It was a while before Erwin finally did rouse, noticing the small piece of parchment lying next to him. He yawned and sat up, uncrumpling it so he could read what it said. At the very bottom below their exchanged goodnights was the message.

_I love you_

Erwin’s eyes widened, and looked over at Mike, who seemed to be purposefully avoiding his gaze. He ripped a new piece of parchment from his pad and wrote his answer quickly throwing it to Mike. Mike still didn’t look at him as he uncrumpled it, but immediately smiled when the words filled his vision.

_I love you, too_

He grinned at Erwin, who grinned back with just as much intensity.

As soon as he could, as soon as they were recovered and back in their bunk with nobody else around, Mike kissed him and said those same words out loud.

“I love you.”

Erwin smiled and kissed him again. “I love you, too.”

And they sat, and cuddled, and shared soft, slow kisses, making up for the week they lost.

\----

When their third year of training rolled around, Nile broke the news.

“I’m joining the Military Police,” he said. “And I’m gonna stay with Marie.”

Erwin just smiled a bit sadly. “We figured.”

“But that’s your decision,” Mike added. “If you’re happy and think you’re making the right decision, that’s all that matters.”

Nile actually breathed a real, giant sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

Erwin and Mike both just smiled at him.

By now, Mike could read and write pretty well. There were still new words he encountered on occasion, but after seeing the same chunk of words each day with assignment, lessons, and training, he knew all that he needed to know for now. Once he joined the Survey Corps, that would be a different story.

He woke up, arms wrapped around Erwin, spooning him. Mike smiled; they fell asleep like that a lot now, and Mike still couldn’t believe. This was his person, he was lucky enough to love this person. It still left him awed when he thought about it.

He felt Erwin shift and sigh contentedly.

“You awake?” Mike asked. Erwin rolled over so they were facing each other.

“Yeah,” he said, eyes bleary from sleep.

Today was their day off. Everyone else had run off to eat and drink to their hearts’ content, and Nile was off with Marie. They liked to spend these days relaxing with each other.

Mike kissed him, pulling him closer, rolling them over. Erwin wrapped his arms around him, ran a hand through his shaggy hair. Mike nuzzled the juncture of Erwin’s neck again, and Erwin laughed softly. Mike breathed in that scent again, his favorite scent. His kissed the spot where his nose had been, and Erwin gasped.

“Is that alright?” he asked, and Erwin nodded vigorously.

“Yeah.” He sounded out of breath and Mike felt himself heat up.

He continued to pepper kisses across Erwin’s neck, along his jaw, behind his ears, and Erwin gasped through it all, sucked in a sharp breath when Mike bit down on the juncture of his neck, his collarbone, then sighed when he licked and kissed the marks.

“You alright?” Mike asked.

“Yes.” He sounded even more out of breath. “Yes, I am.”

Mike kissed him, but it was harsher than their usual kisses, hungrier. They were both panting harshly, hands moving across each other’s torsos. Their hands slid under each other’s shirt's feeling the muscle they had each built over the last couple years of training. Mike settled on top of Erwin, accidentally brushing their cocks together.

They gasped, pulling apart in the process.

“Was…” Mike swallowed dryly. “Was that ok…?”

“Y-Yeah…” Erwin diverted his eyes.

“Do you…” Mike licked his lips, also shifting his gaze. “Do you want to…?”

He looked back, noticing Erwin smiling at him. “Yeah…”

Mike smiled, and went to kiss him again. But Erwin placed a hand on his chest.

“Hold on, though,” he said. “If we’re going to do this, there’s something we need that will make this a lot easier.”

Mike nodded. “What is it?”

Erwin’s face burned red. “We need to go to the mess hall for it.”

Mike wasn't sure what it was they needed, but he followed Erwin to the mess hall, trying to ignore the growing discomfort in his pants.

“Ok, this is what you have to do,” Erwin said once they were in the mess hall. “You have to go grab a thing of oil. I’m gonna distract the cooks.”

Mike nodded and watched Erwin walk over to the person on the clock. He struck up a conversation with ease, charming as ever. Mike smiled slightly and carefully slipped behind her, grabbing one of the oil bottles. He shot Erwin a thumbs up.

“Well, I must be going,” Erwin said. “It was nice talking to you.”

“Oh, you too, Erwin,” the cook said with a smile. “Feel free to talk anytime.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Erwin said, as he walked off.

The two of them made their way back to the barracks, Erwin thinking about what was about to happen.

People often spoke of burning desire and how much they desperately wanted someone, wanting to fuck their brains out, or something along those lines. This had never been a sentiment that Erwin shared, and he still didn't find himself really _wanting_ Mike in that sense.

But he would be lying if he said he didn’t find Mike attractive and that thing Mike did earlier when he had accidentally rutted against him…

That felt _really good._

He could get behind that.

Once they were back at the barracks, they hopped up onto their bunk.

“So what is this for?” Mike looked up from the oil to see a now shirtless Erwin. His eyes widened as they raked over his torso. Erwin’s face heated up, feeling Mike’s eyes on him.

“Well, if you want to, one of us can…” His face was burning red, his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Finger the other…”

Mike’s eyes widened and he felt his face heat up, too. “Oh…”

He cleared his throat. “I… I’m not sure how to do that…”

Erwin smiled despite his red face. “Don’t worry, I got you. I’ll explain everything.”

Mike smiled back at him and set the oil down, removing his own shirt.

Erwin held his arms out and Mike crawled over to him, laying him back down and kissing him again. They kissed slowly, mouths moving against one another. Erwin cupped Mike’s face, breathing hard, their kisses deepening, and Mike rutted against him again. Erwin moaned lowly into Mike’s mouth.

He pulled back, smiling. “Ready?”

Mike nodded, and they each reached for each other’s pants.

\----

They laid together in just their boxer shorts, a sheet covering the two of them as they cuddled. They had cleaned up and placed the oil bottle with the rest of their stuff in case they needed it again. They were both a bit blissed out as they shared soft kisses and smiled at one another. Mike took Erwin’s right hand, kissing the palm, the back, all his fingertips, before kissing up his arm to his shoulder, then his neck, laughing as he pointed out the lovebites that he had left behind. Erwin retaliated by pointing out the ones on Mike’s body. Erwin was lucky that his collared shirt would cover his. Mike would have to be a bit more strategic.

They had both been awkward, fumbling messes, having never done anything like this before. The only reason Erwin knew what to do was because he had heard stories from other people. He was lucky that everything he heard had turned out to be pretty accurate, a sentiment he expressed to Mike, who laughed and agreed.

Erwin scooted a bit closer and Mike pulled the sheet up over them, deciding that maybe a nap was in order.

\----

Their days of training were coming to a close, the three of them now 18 years old. Mike and Erwin were set on the Survey Corps, Nile set on the Military Police. He was fortunate enough to have secured a spot in the top ten of their class, so he was all set to go.

But he still seemed nervous.

“Are you doing alright, Nile?” Erwin asked.

Nile bit his lip. “Well, uh… I decided that I want to ask Marie something…”

“Can you be a bit more specific?” Mike asked, although he had his suspicions as to where this was going.

“...” Nile took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I want to ask Marie to marry me…”

“Really?” Erwin asked, surprised.

“I know we haven’t been together that long,” Nile said, resting his chin in his hands. “But I’m willing to commit my life to her, obviously.”

Erwin smiled at that. “When are you next seeing her?”

“Later today,” Nile said.

“And you’re gonna ask her?” Mike asked.

Nile nodded, smiling despite his nerves. “Yeah…”

“Well then, good luck,” Mike said. “I think she’ll say yes.”

Nile grinned at that, seeming like he was getting some confidence.

The next time they saw him, he was cheering and a crowd was gathering around him to give their congratulations. Mike and Erwin figured Marie must have said yes. The three of them went to the tavern and had a proper celebration where Marie joined them. Mike and Erwin told Marie they were dating, figuring there was no point in hiding that fact, and Marie smiled and said that this would be a great double date. They ate and drank to their hearts’ content, toasting to the end of their training and whatever may come their way.

====

Their transition into the Survey Corps was an interesting one. They got to share a room, which made things easier for them. They got their uniforms, squad assignments, the whole bit. Erwin was buckling down, and Mike admired his determination and ambition, having never lost sight of his goals. He trained harder, and Mike did his best to train just as hard, wanting to keep up with him.

It seemed almost as if Erwin were built for this, a natural born leader and strategist. They had figured that out during training, though, most instructors and many of their comrades having noticed. But their superiors were starting to take notice as well and Erwin was eventually given a squad of his own, one that Mike was a part of.

Mike even saw that his sense of smell was becoming an asset; as it turned out, he could sniff out titans from great distances, and the thing he was once made fun of for was now something he was praised for. It was a strange feeling, but he wasn’t complaining.

On their first real expedition, Erwin’s first expedition as a squad leader, he did everything he usually did, showing his capabilities.

But when they actually saw titans face to face, his mind went blank for a few moments, he hesitated, and the members of his squad nearly died. A few more quick maneuvers later, and the titan taken down, they were all safe.

But when they returned, Erwin was still obviously shaken. Commander Shadis told him not to hesitate, and Erwin merely nodded, said “yes, Sir”, and went to return to his quarters. Mike followed, smelling the fear and anxiety that was encasing Erwin as he sat down on the edge of the bed, removing his boots with shaking hands. Mike removed his own boots, then his jacket, then his harness, remaining in just his shirt and military pants. He looked back over at Erwin, seeing him struggle with the harness straps. They had gotten used to their harnesses during training, but with Erwin’s shaking grips, he had barely gotten any of them undone.

Mike walked over to the bed and carefully sat down next to him.

“Let me help,” he said softly. Erwin did not protest, and Mike undid all the buckles with far steadier hands. Mike’s heart was still pounding from the near death experience, but in comparison to some of the other squad members, he had been lucky.

Once all the buckles were undone, Mike threw the harness up so it landed on his own top bunk to be retrieved later.

“It’s alright,” Mike said, placing a hand on Erwin’s shoulder, testing whether or not Erwin was comfortable being touched right now.

“I almost killed them,” Erwin said, voice quiet but scarily steady.

Mike went to open his mouth, but then he added, “I almost killed you…”

Mike bit his lip at that, not entirely sure what to say.

“Well, we made it back alive,” he started. “And I think that’s all that matters.”

“But if you hadn’t?” Erwin asked, actually looking at Mike. “What if you don’t in the future?”

“Well, we signed up for this knowing the risks just like you did,” Mike told him with all the truth in the world. “We know we might die no matter who’s giving the orders.”

Erwin still looked scared, and unconvinced. “They trusted me.”

“And they still do,” Mike told him. “And I still do, too.”

Mike smiled at him, cupping his face in both his hands. “It’s going to be alright. You hesitated today, but I know you and I’ve seen your confidence. You’re gonna do great things.”

Erwin seemed surprised, but then he smiled, shuffling closer to Mike so he could hug him. Mike knew this wasn’t over and that Erwin would continue to doubt himself, but for now, things would be ok. When the time came, Mike would be there for him just like he had been the past few years. Mike had unyielding faith in Erwin. Nothing would change that.

\----

The next batch of recruits brought in a woman named Hanji Zoe, someone with an intense hatred of titans that could have matched and surpassed Mike’s and Erwin’s hatreds combined. It was almost impressive.

She was eccentric, strong-willed, and she was the first person that had truly frightened Mike when he saw her angry. She was a good addition to the team, and she became friends with Mike pretty quickly, and then by extension, Erwin as well.

She was certainly an excellent soldier, taking down titans left and right, and then one day, Mike saw her kick a titan’s head in rage. And then he saw her face change, looking surprised.

Erwin noticed as well. “Mike, can you go check on Hanji?”

“Of course,” Mike said.

He headed Hanji’s way, noticing her holding up an arm.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Hanji held the steaming arm out to him. “Hold this.”

Mike seemed confused, but he did as such, eyes widened once it was dropped into his arms.

“It’s so… _Light,_ ” he said.

Hanji nodded her head. “Almost as if it were made out of almost nothing.”

Hanji shared her findings with Erwin, and then with Shadis. Shadis didn’t seem as interested, but Erwin held a much greater deal of interest, and the three of them spoke of the implications.

After that day, Hanji stopped hating the titans, and actually started developing a strange sort of fondness for them, appreciating what they were as a species. People thought she was strange, made fun of her for her fascination, some even calling her a traitor to humanity for liking them so much. But she just seemed to take it all in stride. Mike held a great admiration towards her for that.

“Mike, can you go find Hanji for me?” Erwin asked, holding some notes in his hands. Even without Shadis’ approval, Hanji had started taking notes on her findings. Given how against the whole thing Shadis was, Mike was surprised by Hanji’s apparent crush on the man. But then again, Mike knew what it was like to yearn for someone surprising.

“Of course,” he said, heading down to where he knew her quarters were.

He knocked.

No answer.

He knocked again. “Hanji?”

Still no answer.

He slowly opened the door, peeking inside. “Ha-”

He froze and swung the door opened when he saw Hanji collapsed on the floor. He rushed to her side, desperately trying to shake her awake. She didn’t budge, and Mike felt himself falling into a panic, brain going a million miles an hour. He placed a hand on her chest, feeling for her heartbeat. He was relieved when he felt it, although it was quite faint, and her chest felt… Compressed. Her breathing was shallow and stuttered.

He lifted her up and placed her down on the bed, wondering what to do. He wondered why she was breathing so shallowly, like something was constricted it.

He removed her glasses and carefully rested them on the bedside table before carefully rolling her over. He lifted up her t-shirt, immediately noticing the bandages that seemed to wrapped around her chest. He knew that had to be it.

He sat her up, lifted her shirt up completely and began to unwrap the bandages, making sure her back was facing him.

Once she was freed from the bandages, he pulled her shirt back down and laid her back on the bed. He threw out the bandages, and went to go get Erwin.

When Hanji woke up, Mike and Erwin were at her bedside. She sat up slowly, put on her glasses, and then her eyes widened, hand reaching up to her chest.

“You passed out,” Mike explained. “I removed the bandages so you could breathe better.”

Hanji nodded, folding in on herself.

“Why the bandages?” Mike asked.

Hanji hugged her knees to her chest, biting her lip. Tears seemed to swim in her vision.

“I just…” Her voice had a very familiar shake to it. “I hate my body… It doesn’t feel right…”

“What do you mean?” Erwin asked.

“It just… Doesn’t feel right!” Hanji repeated. “I feel trapped, and it almost hurts, and those bandages are the only way to keep it from hurting, even though I can’t breathe right and they make my ribs sore.”

Tears were starting to run down her face. “It’s like I’m not a girl, but I’m not a boy? Like there’s just nothing…”

She put her face in her hands, sniffling. “I feel so… Broken.”

Neither Erwin nor Mike spoke for a while, neither sure what to say.

Finally, Mike did say something.

“I know how that feels…” he said, voice soft.

Hanji lifted her head, looking at Mike with wet, puffy eyes.

Mike smiled slightly. “Every time I was caught looking at a guy, people gave me weird looks, and I realized that I was the only person I knew that was like me was me.

“But then I met Erwin,” he continued. “And I realized that I wasn’t alone.

“I’m sure there’s someone out there like you, too,” he said finally. "And even if there isn't, that doesn't mean you're broken."

Hanji seemed surprised, tears still dripping down her face. She lunged forward, wrapping her arms around Mike’s shoulders, sobbing. Mike was a bit caught off guard, but he laughed slightly, and pulled Erwin in, too, the both of them just letting Hanji cry.

\----

When the news that Shiganshina was destroyed hit Mike’s ears, he felt himself go numb, legs wobbly, hands shaking.

He went into his bedroom, and some time later, Erwin joined him.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asked. He knew what Mike was thinking, knowing the reason Mike joined the Survey Corps since the day they met.

Mike looked over at him, eyes wet. He shook his head. Erwin was immediately at his side. He stripped himself of his boots, his jacket, his harness, his shirt, his pants, leaving himself in only his undershirt and boxers. He did the same to Mike, and once they were both comfortable, Erwin pulled Mike close and let him cry into his chest.

“What if they’re dead?” Mike asked.

“You don’t know if they are,” Erwin reassured him. “There were still a lot of survivors, they may have escaped.”

“Oh please,” Mike said, gripped Erwin’s arm almost painfully. “Even by Shiganshina standards we were poor, they’d be taken last if at all.”

He sniffed, exhale wavering. “I failed them.”

“You did not fail them,” Erwin said. “You took care of them for such a long time when nobody else would, back when you could barely take care of yourself. You protected them at all costs. That is not failure.”

Mike sobbed, wrapping his arms around Erwin, and rolling them over so Erwin was on top of them, finding comfort in the pressure of another body. Erwin carded a hand through his hair, letting him cry, letting him bury his face in his neck and inhale deeply, knowing how much his scent calmed him, knowing it helped Mike to know that he was there.

Mike figured he would go through life thinking he was not good enough, maybe they both would. Mike tried to believe Erwin, tried to tell himself he was good enough, and that he hadn’t failed yet.

He hadn’t failed yet. He was still fighting. He hadn’t failed yet. Not yet.

Not yet.

\----

As their superiors noticed Erwin’s skills more and more, he made his way through the ranks, and when Shadis decided it was time for him to step down, he was made commander. One of the first things he did was give Hanji and Mike squads of their own. Mike, Hanji, and Levi, who Erwin and Mike had recruited, were the most capable squad leaders in the Survey Corps.

The second thing that happened was a huge shift between Erwin and Mike.

Mike had expected a bit of a shift in their dynamic, there had also been a small shift in dynamic when Erwin was just a squad leader, Erwin was his superior technically.

But this, Mike never expected.

Erwin never told him anything anymore.

Whenever Mike brought it up, Erwin brushed him off, essentially building a wall between their lives as soldiers and their relationship with one another.

Mike didn’t know what to do with that.

He brought it up again, not letting Erwin brush him off this time. It escalated into a shouting match, and Mike wasn't surprised; they rarely fought, but when they did, it could get bad.

“Just leave!” Erwin finally yelled, gesturing to the door.

Mike couldn’t remember the last time he actually spent a night alone in his own room; he had essentially become the closest thing Erwin had to a second-in-command, and so they rarely had to go on separate missions, always returning to the same base.

It looked like he would be in his own room tonight.

“Fine then,” he said, scathing. He turned and went to walk out, hand resting on the handle, pausing, hesitant.

“Erwin,” he said.

“What?” was the hard, biting response from the other side of the room.

Mike was silent for a few moments before he answered very softly, “I love you.”

He looked behind him and saw that Erwin had spun around. “What, do you think you can tell me you love me and this argument is just going to magically go away?”

“No,” Mike said. His voice still had a bit of hardness to it. “But there’s always a chance one of us could die tomorrow and if that happens, I don’t want the last thing to happen between us be an argument, so…”

He sighed, feeling a lot of the heat drain out of him. “I love you.”

There was no response, and Mike turned the door handle.

“Wait.” The voice was soft, as was the grasp on his arm. He looked at Erwin, and it seemed as if a lot of the anger had drained out of him, too. “Let’s talk.”

Mike nodded, and released the door handle. Erwin took his hand, leading him over to the bed. They sat on it’s edge, and Erwin exhaled slowly.

“I have a lot of responsibility now,” he said. “And if I make mistakes, I don’t want to take you down with me.”

“Erwin,” Mike said, forcing the newly promoted commander to look at him. “So much of what we have with each other was built on the fact we trust each other enough to share burdens, be them past, present, or future.

“You don’t _have_ to carry this alone,” he said, voice soft, but emotional. “You have me, _and_ Hanji, _and_ Levi. That’s why we’re here, close to you. For support.”

Erwin looked surprised, and he protested. “But what if one of my orders means your life?”

“I went into this knowing it could cost my life, and I know you did, too,” Mike reminded him. “Like I said before, I trust you, I trust your decisions, and if I go in one day on your orders, and I die in the process, I’ll still know it was the right thing.”

Erwin’s eyes were welling with tears, tears he was desperately trying to fight off. “How can you have this much faith in me?”

“Because I know you,” Mike said. “Ten years I’ve gotten to know you, ten years we’ve been by each other's sides sharing burdens, I know how strong you are, and how smart you are, and you always had faith in me, and I’m always going to have faith in you.”

This was probably the most Mike had spoken in a long time; Mike barely spoke, he saved his words for when he needed them most, and this was certainly one of those times.

“We’ve always shared each other’s burdens,” he said. “This isn't going to change that.”

He pulled Erwin towards him, feeling his body wracked with sobs he was trying to hold in.

“You can cry if you need to,” Mike said.

There was a sniffle. “I’m too old to cry.”

“Horseshit,” Mike whispered, and Erwin broke, shaking and sobbing.

Mike laid them both down, holding Erwin tightly, letting him cry as long as he needed to.

Mike would be there for him as long as he was alive.

\----

After a fierce debate with the Military Police, the Survey Corps gained custody of Eren. It was surreal to see Nile again after all these years. He was certainly different, and obviously had a much different agenda than they did, but he seemed to have his morals, and Mike could live with that.

Eren was from Shiganshina, as were his best friend Armin and adopted sister Mikasa. Mike knew Eren’s father had been a doctor, a man of obvious intelligence and some status. But even with that in mind, Mike knew they would probably get the same flack Mike did when it came to being within Wall Sina. Even after all these years, Mike’s upbringing followed him, just as he had suspected.

But even beyond that, Mike wondered. Eren, Mikasa, Armin...

Could they read?

\----

Mike accompanied Erwin into town so they could order more supplies, specifically food. A lot of constantly working soldiers meant they needed a lot of rations.

The town they were in wasn’t exactly the wealthiest town, but it was within Wall Rose, so it wasn’t bad.

He looked around, watching the people go buy on the somewhat busy street. Suddenly, someone caught his eye. It couldn’t be…

“I’m gonna head over there,” he said.

“Alright,” Erwin said, looking down at the list of things they needed. “Just meet me back here.”

“Ok,” Mike said, making his way through the crowd.

He watched the woman as she walked, following not far behind.

He ended up at a house, the woman standing at it’s doorstep, checking the contents of her bag. The same hair as him, the same eyes, tall, kind of muscular. She looked up, and saw Mike. The same sort of realization dawned on her face.

“Mike?” she asked, incredulous.

“Adelaide…” His eldest sister, the one whom he held in the middle of the night when she cried, his decision to join the military.

He rushed forward and she opened her arms and they embraced, Mike feeling relief flood him. He hadn’t failed, not yet.

“I thought you were dead,” he said.

“Me, what about you?” she asked.

He pulled away, shocked and confused. “Shiganshina got _destroyed_.”

“You joined the _Survey Corps_ ,” she retaliated.

Mike realized she had a point, and he couldn't help but laugh, relieved and amused.

Then he sobered up a little, as he released her completely. “What about…?”

“I’m the only one who survived,” she said, knowing exactly what he was going to ask. “Our siblings, my husband and children…”

Mike’s face fell, “I’m sorry… I joined to protect you all and…”

“Hey.” She bumped him lightly. “Chin up. I’m still here.”

Mike smiled slightly at that. “Yeah…”

“Do you want to come inside for a bit?” she asked.

“Well, I can’t really stay…” Then something hit him. “But I do want to show you something.”

Adelaide gave him a strange look, but smiled. “Alright.”

She opened the front door and ushered Mike in.

“Do you have a pencil and paper?” he asked.

“Yeah, in that drawer,” she said, pointing to a small table by the door. Mike opened it and pulled out the aforementioned pad and pencil, writing something down quickly and then showing it to her.

She took it, obviously confused. “What is it?”

“It’s my name,” Mike said, smiling.

Adelaide’s eyes widened, and she looked up at her brother.

Mike took the pad pack and wrote something else. “And this is yours.”

He ran through the names of their siblings, asking for and writing the names of her late husband and children and writing those, writing down the letters of the alphabet, upper and lowercase, and all of the sounds they made. Adelaide was awed, beaming.

“Where did you learn this?” she asked.

“Erwin taught me,” he said, but the atmosphere broke when he saw the smile disappear from her face.

“Erwin Smith?” she asked. “The commander?”

“Yeah?” Mike asked.

“But I thought…” She seemed so confused. “He seems so uncaring…”

“What do you mean?” Mike asked, growing weary.

“I mean, so many people die under his orders,” she said. “And he seems unaffected.”

Mike felt himself grow defensive; he had spent so many nights holding Erwin in his arms as he fell apart, reassuring him that he was doing the right thing and that he was a good person, not the monster people built him up to be.

“I can assure you, that isn’t the case,” he said, voice hardening. His sister looked taken aback.

“Well, since he taught you to read…” she said. “I take it you’re friends?”

“I love him,” he said with no hesitation. “We’ve been together for about twenty years.”

Adelaide looked shocked. “Oh… I…”

Her face turned guilty, and fast. “I’m sorry I said that, then…”

Mike was troubled for a few moments, but then he had an idea.

“He’s actually with me in town,” Mike said. “I want you to meet him.”

Adelaide blinked owlishly. “What?”

“You’re very important to me, please meet him,” Mike pleaded. “See him as he is, not what you hear from the masses.”

Adelaide was hesitant, but she agreed, knowing it was important to her brother. By the look on Mike’s face, she decided it was going to be worth it.

Mike left and ran back to town, pushing his way through the crowds until he found the stand where he left Erwin.

“There you are,” Erwin said, seeming annoyed but relieved. “Where did you go?”

Mike took his hand. “Come with me.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow. “Where exactly?”

“To meet my sister.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Erwin’s eyes widened.

“What?” he asked.

“I found my sister and I want you to meet her,” Mike reiterated.

Erwin shook his head. “No, I can’t.”

“How come?” Mike asked, face falling.

“Because she’ll hate me,” Erwin attested.

Mike’s face softened, taking both of Erwin's hands. There were people around, but he didn’t care.

“She won’t,” Mike assured him. “She’s my sister. If I love you, she’s gonna at least like you.”

Erwin seemed doubtful, but he agreed, and a grin spread across Mike’s face. He began pulling Erwin through the crowd, finally landing on his sister’s doorstep. They walked through the door, and Mike called his sister’s name. He hugged Erwin into his side, and Erwin accepted it, wrapping an arm around his torso, seeking that comfort.

When Adelaide's eyes fell on them, her features softened. Erwin looked a bit lost, a bit anxious, nothing like the man she was so used to hearing about.

They sat together at the small wooden table, talking. They spoke of what their lives had been like; it was a huge game of catch-up for Mike and Adelaide, but so much of Mike’s life after he left had Erwin there next to him. They were his stories, too.

They eventually had to leave, and Erwin thanked Adelaide for welcoming him into her home before he left to let Mike and Adelaide say their goodbyes.

Adelaide smirked at her brother. “I always saw you looking at guys.”

Mike blushed and gave an embarrassed smile. “Yeah… I always thought I was weird until I realized he was sort of the same…”

Adelaide’s smile softened. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy.”

She turned her gaze to the door. “He seemed so much more nervous than I expected.”

“He’s usually good at putting up a front,” Mike explained. “But you’re my sister, and he knows what people say about him… He was afraid you were going to hate him.”

Adelaide looked guilty. “I feel bad for going with what everyone else was saying. Watching the two of you… You so obviously love each other.”

Then she smiled again. “He must be a great man.”

Mike smile at that. “He really is.”

They embraced one more time, said their goodbyes, and then Mike left, meeting Erwin outside.

Mike took his hand. “I told you she’d like you.”

Erwin smiled, too, and they headed back to base.

\----

When Wall Rose was breached, Mike led his squad and some of the newer recruits away from the old castle.

“Sir!” he heard someone yell. He looked back and saw one of the teenagers. His face was worried and pleading. “Please let me head to my village. It’s probably destroyed but I have to see it.”

Mike was hesitant to let him go, but he imagined there were titans there as well. And besides.

He knew the feeling of wanting to go home.

“Ok,” he agreed. He saw relief flood the boy’s face.

He looked out at the horde of titans in the distance, eyes widening when he saw them suddenly starting charging them.

Wall Rose. His sister. Not yet. Not yet.

“Hey!” he called behind him at the bald teen he had spoken to.”

“Uh, yes, Sir?” the boy asked.

“Come up here,” Mike yelled. He did as such, riding alongside him. “What’s your name?”

“Connie Springer, Sir,” the teen said.

Mike nodded. “Alright Connie. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old, crumpled, folded piece of parchment. He held it out. “If I make it back alive, give this back to me. If I don’t, give it to Commander Erwin.”

Connie took the piece of paper, looking confused and curious. “What is it, Sir?”

Mike’s face tightened. “It’s important. Promise me you'll get it to him.”

“I’ll do my best, Sir,” Connie said, slipping it into his pocket,

Mike nodded, and then peeled away from the group.

“Gelgar!” he shouted as he rode off to face the swarm of titans. “Take charge of the southern team!”

Mike charged into battle, determined. He hadn’t failed. If he was still fighting, then he hadn’t failed. Not yet.

Not quite.

\----

When Erwin woke up, one of his arms was gone. His right arm. Levi was in the room, as was Commander Pixis. They spoke of what had happened, but Erwin’s head was swimming with questions and the most important one on his mind had yet to be answered.

Later on, Hanji entered with a young soldier by the name of Connie Springer, who came with shocking news.

Humans. The titans might be humans.

“You are excused, Connie,” Hanji said.

“Oh, one more thing, Sir?” Connie asked.

Erwin raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

Connie approached the bed, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a piece of parchment, folded, crumpled, old. He held it out to him. Erwin felt dread creeping up on him.

“The squad leader I was with, I think his name was Mike?” Connie said. “He told me to deliver this to you if he didn’t make it back.”

The room stopped, Erwin’s eyes dead set on the piece of parchment. It seemed as if the most important question on his mind had been answered. He took it with a shaky hand. Pixis seemed confused, but Levi and Hanji both knew. Erwin could feel Hanji’s sympathetic gaze, could practically see the pained and troubled look on Levi’s face.

“Thank you, Connie,” Erwin said, trying to keep his voice level. “You are free to go.”

Connie nodded, saluted one final time, and then left.

\----

When Erwin was released, and free to go to his room, he walked on wobbly legs, vision blurring with tears. He walked over to his bedside table, opening the drawer with a horribly shaky grip. He unfolded the piece of parchment, read the words he had written so long ago, and placed it within the drawer, underneath the other old, crumpled piece Erwin had always kept in there, the hasty, somewhat shaky scrawl staring back at him.

_I love you_

_I love you, too_

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was a journey. Glad it's finally done.
> 
> I think I'm gonna write a fic that's lowkey related to this. I had originally planned for Mike and Erwin to end up together a different way, but it ended up not fitting the mood of the story. But it still amuses me.


End file.
